For My First Baby
Dear Evan,
Perhaps this should be a letter to your brother, but it is not. The strangest thing about this pregnancy for me is that I think about you more than anything else.
I knew I wanted you to have a sibling. A friend, a constant companion. Someone who would know you for your whole life. But even before I got pregnant, I worried. I worried that I would not be able to love another baby as much as I love you. I worried you would be jealous. I worried I would not be able to give you all the time you needed from me. I worried you wouldn't understand when Mommy had to spend time with the new baby and couldn't do something for you. The thought breaks my heart.
Even now it has started. You come to me so sweetly and say "picked up please, Mommy. Hold me, Mommy. Hold me tight." But my belly is getting too big, and I physically just can't lift you sometimes. I try though, because it tears me up inside when you start to cry when I try to tell you why I can't oblige you.
It has been the two of us for so long now. You are my special buddy and my constant companion. I can't even describe in words the bond we have and the love I have for you. I am scared to share that with another baby.
I feel him kicking inside me right now. Reminding me he is there. That soon he will be here, and you will have to share me, and I will have to share myself.
Before you were born, I worried a lot about what labor would be like, what a new baby would be like, how my life would change. This time I worry about what you will do when the baby comes. Where will you stay while I am in the hospital, who will tuck you in and read you your stories? Who will give you big hugs and make you your smoothies when you wake up?
You are such a big boy now. I know you will be fine, and I will be fine too. I know you are going to be an amazing big brother. You are sweet and compassionate and thoughtful. I just know that when I see you meet your brother for the first time, all my fears will melt away.
Until then, I will try to savor every last day that we have just the two of us. We can read extra stories, and snuggle on the couch and watch cartoons. I don't think you will remember these days- but I will.
I love you buddy. You will always be my first baby. You taught me what it meant to be a mom, and for this, your brother and I will always be grateful.
Love always,
Mommy
10 comments:
That is a beautiful picture of you! You look fantastic!
Evan sounds like such an amazing little boy, I bet he will love his little brother at least as much as you will!
You are such a fabulous mommy!!! Love only multiplies and boy are your kids lucky to be loved by you!
First of all, what a hot mama!!! I remember getting so nervous the whole nine months of my second pregnancy because I was worried I would not have enough time to spend with Cameron. I totally agree with the comment above - your love only multiplies. There will be time when Evan may be jealous of his new little brother but he will come to love him just as much as he loves you and they are going to be best buds just like Cameron and Ava!
beautiful. thanks for sharing. I have these thoughts a lot when looking towards a (hopeful) next pregnancy. Very well put!
I remember worrying about having enough love for 2 when I was pregnant with Dev. My grandpa told be that your love doesn't divide, it multiplies! It's so true! You'll be a great mommy of 2 and Evan will be just fine. Good luck!
You look gorgeous, What a sweet thing to keep for Evan.
Yay for the tummy! You look beautiful. Both babies are lucky to have you as a Mommy.
What a beautiful post. What lucky babies you have!
awww, this made me cry. Damn weaning hormones! LOL. I'm sure Evan will do just fine, your boys are lucky to have you. :)
what a beautiful photo of you and what a beautiful letter. it made me cry. those are the exact fears/feelings i have about having another and i swear, as i read that letter, i thought i wrote it! can't wait to see pics of your new boy.
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