In An Instant

I knew my heart wasn't ready, and I was right. I will preface this whole story by saying that Evan is fine, and of all of us, probably the least phased by the incident.

The morning started out on a good note. Evan was so excited to find Chris home and in bed with us still, and he woke us both up at 8:00 with sloppy kisses, excited coos, and enthusiastic pats on the head. We decided to seize the day and head to the Amana Colonies for a Sunday brunch at one of the many family-style restaurants there.

We arrived and were seated at a large table, and Evan got a high chair. It was gorgeous chair, probably crafted there. Instead of a buckle, the strap velcroed down. In hindsight, this is not the best system- but at the time, we were enjoying the sights and smells and eager to enjoy our breakfast.

The waitress was friendly and brought us plate after plate of delicious food- fruit, pancakes, toast, eggs, potatoes, bacon. Evan banged his spoon on the table with glee, and looked all around him at the other diners. It was picture perfect, but then in an instant, the bliss was shattered.

I remember looking down to take a bite of my pancake. I remember Chris shouting "Andrea". And then I remember looking over to Evan and seeing my sweet baby tumbling out of the high chair. It happened so fast, but it seemed like slow motion to me.

"His head", I was thinking. "Not his head, not his neck". I could hear the other diners around us gasp as my baby hit the floor with a thud. I leaped from my chair and scooped Evan off the ground, his face still red, his expression shocked and scared. He did the terrible breath holding before he finally let out a piercing cry.

I hugged him tight and spoke to him softly. "It's alright, its alright", all the while trying to convince myself as much as I was trying to soothe him. Chris was right there too, trying to examine his head, check his eyes- make sure he was okay. I could see the fear and the anger in Chris' eyes.

I was the one closest to Evan. I should have caught him. I shouldn't have looked down. I should have paid more attention. All that from a glance- that is how well I know my husband. I don't blame him from feeling that way. I felt that way, too.

How could I let my baby down like that? What kind of mother does that? Evan cried for under 5 minutes, but it felt like a lifetime. We returned to the table. Concerned waitresses and diners came over to check on Evan.

He snuggled in to me, and stuck out his lower lip and has never looked more forlorn in his life. Neither Chris nor I had an appetite left, so we paid and headed home. I sat in the backseat, to keep Evan awake in case he had a head injury. (I have since learned this keeping awake thing is a myth.)

We came home and consulted our first aid book and webMD and decided a trip to the ER wouldn't be necessary, since Evan seemed coherent, wasn't vomiting, and had returned to his normal self quickly.

I nursed him to sleep and let him nap on my chest. I watched my baby breath deep steady breaths, unaware of the fear and pain his parents were feeling. I watched him and I got so scared. I will never be able to protect him from everything.

What happened today was truly an accident. This is almost worse than it being someones fault, because with no one to blame, there is no way to prevent it from happening again. My Nana suggested prayer was the only answer, and I guess she is right. I am not going to make it through the next 17 years if she is not. I doubt the worry stops when they leave home anyway.

I guess part of being a parent is knowing that your heart is in the hands of your child. In fact, I think half the time, you feel the pain more than they do. I think Evan has forgotten the whole incident already, but I know it will be burned in my mind forever- I reminder that in an instant- everything can change- even if you aren't ready for it.